thedispatch | Thorns

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Thorns

[ William stands in the senior doctor's office, Alan sitting in the chair beside him. They've just been informed on how dire the attack Alan suffered by the desperate woman's record will be upon him. William simply nods in understanding, turning from the doctor and offering Alan a hand to stand. With Alan being both mentally and physically exhausted from the event, William makes the decision to teleport them to his office. Better to make it easy on the younger reaper and avoid any interaction with the other members of Dispatch while they can. ]

Take a seat, Humphries.

[ William does, as well, quietly observing him from his own seat behind his desk. ]

How are you feeling?

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[ Yeah. Alan is just dumbfounded, staring at his hands. He's only been this confused and at a loss once in his entire life - well his new life as a reaper. Just once. When he woke up from the dead as a reaper. It feels like all the air was sucked out of the room. He feels like he's disconnected from his body, from this moment.

Grim Reapers can die? Well, yes at the hands of a demon certainly and Alan was prepared and fully aware of that but this? What was this? Just as things had settled and he was finding his footing, adjusting to this new existence the rug, the floor and any sense of a stable foundation seemed to be ripped from beneath his feet. Now he found himself falling into quicksand; sinking fast.

But then there's Mr. Spears an he's offering a hand. Alan stares up at him for a moment, still lost, still dazed. But there's something about William, either his expression or the familiarity when he feels he's drowning in uncertainty -

Alan is taking his hand tightly in his own and moving to his feet. Mentally, bracing himself to go back out there and make the walk back to the offices.

It's a walk that doesn't happen and Alan can't help but be profoundly grateful for this fact. ]

A seat? Yes, thank you, Sir.

[ His voice is a little strained an hoarse - from shouting, crying, sobbing. Alan sits in the chair across from William's desk. There's a faint tremble to his hands but he presses them against his lap. He's already cried himself out so there's no more tears to come out.

His eyes drift closed after making a sweep of William's office. Thankfully, no one really dares to come in here without permission; or maybe it could be that most of them have long gone to their own homes for the evening? He doesn't know it doesn't matter.

At that question, Alan swallows hard. It feels like there's still a thick lump lodged in his throat that has been there this whole time. No amount of water he'd drank in the infirmary had been able to dislodge it or make it go down. ]

I - I don't know.

[ He gestures his hands, still shaking before he balls them up once again resting them in his lap. ]

I don't know what I feel. Or how I'm supposed to feel. [ A pause. ] Angry? Ashamed? Foolish? Disappointed? Like I failed? Like... everything was just ripped away and I'm floating anchorless?

You did not fail, nor should you feel foolish or ashamed. We've no control on how a soul will act upon being reaped.

[ William's not the best at comforting people. He's always been seen as a strict, cold man who prides himself on not letting emotions effect his productivity. But in this instance, he feels it may be more beneficial to drop that shield and show his fellow reaper some sympathy. It's a small gesture that speaks a lot on his character. ]

To a degree, I understand what you are going through. Not nearly as severe but, I was the victim of a desperate soul on my first reaping. [ He doesn't want to admit this part but... ] If it weren't for Grell Sutcliffe, I would have been in the same position as you.

[ There's a contemplative sigh. ] I should have assigned you a partner for the day.

[ That helped. That really did help. William had seen what had happened in the woman's record. He knew what had happened and Alan trusted him to be honest in his judgement; even if he himself might disagree. ]

Sir?

[ Oh. Oh well that, that made what William said hold a bit more weight. If something even remotely like this could happen to William who has Alan's upmost respect then...

There's a little feeling in his chest that had nothing to do with his recent trauma and everything to do with the fact that William was telling him something so personal. That William is making the effort like this when Alan knows he keeps his personal life and work separate. It means so much to him. ]

Then thank goodness for Senior Sutcliff.

[ He gave a nod before his brows furrowed. ] What? No. You - you can't think this is your fault. I'm not a trainee Reaper anymore. Senior Slingby can't shadow my every step; especially with us being so short staffed. You - There was no way of knowing what would have been - what should have been a totally routine reaping would take that kind of turn.

I am aware, however--

[ This is precisely the reason he separates work and emotions. Letting them get in the way only decreases productivity. But Alan has been one of the few fellow reapers he's worked along side that he holds in high regard. He knows he can trust him to go above and beyond in his work, but he is also the only one he's allowed himself to confide in.

Of all the reapers to have suffered this incident, it had to be Alan Humphries? He can't help the pang of guilt he feels. It's bringing up parts of his past he'd rather not think on at work. ]

As your boss, I am responsible for you and your well being, as it relates to the job. This didn't need to happen. Not to you.

You are my boss but you're not in control of everything. You're not responsible or my life and you can't blame yourself.

[ He means that, too. Alan isn't about to let William lay that burden at his own feet. That was decidedly not happening while Alan still breathed and hopefully by the time the Thorns took things to the natural end William will have learned he wasn't at fault. ]

It could have been anyone. I'm just glad it wasn't.

[ That's definitely one plus. If something like this had happened to any of the others Alan would have been absolutely beside himself. Looking at it now in this light, maybe it wasn't as horrible. He wouldn't have to watch anyone else suffer and be helpless to it.

But that thought raised another problem. One that he needed to crush now before it reared its head. ]

I don't want the others to know. If they don't need to know - if we can keep it between to two of us and the staff in the infirmary that must know, I would prefer that. I don't need anyone else fretting over me or trying to coddle me.

[ With a sigh and a nod, William accepts Alan's explaination of why he shouldn't feel any blame. It will sit in the back of his mind, regardless. ]

And I don't believe any of them need to know. Especially Slingby.

None of them need to. I don't want their pity or their worry.

[ There was a flash of something in his eyes at that specific mention of Eric before he closed them and shook his head. ]

It will distract Senior Slingby from his work and he'll fuss over me like he did when I first started so no he doesn't need to know and I won't tell him. Ronald either. Grell - I would rather Grell not know either at least not just yet.

[ Though truthfully if he did tell anyone other than William it would be Grell. Grell would be less likely to overact or be extremely emotional about it at least as far as Alan knew. ]

My question is what are we going to do about this? I don't want to be taken out of rotation for reaps. I want to keep doing my job while I'm able. And even when I have to be taken out of rotation I can do in office things. Just tell them I wasn't fit for the field or something?

The only others I will need to speak to on the matter are those in upper management. Though, perhaps we can wait until you're unable to return to the field. I'd rather not lose you as a field agent.

[ He frowns at his own words. ]

I will have to pay closer attention to our issued souls. I may be able to decide which will need partners to reap based on the soul's reason for scheduled death.

Understandably. I would rather not have to stop until it's something that is absolutely needed. I'd like to keep doing them by myself as long as I can then perhaps with a partner. I can handle children and those who are ill on my own with relative ease if it comes to picking my cases for ease.

[ A pause then sigh. Then his words come out as some what rushed and he might be slipping up and calling Eric by name for the first time in front of anyone not Eric. ]

Just maybe not Eric or Ronald unless absolutely needed when I have to partner up. If something does happen in field I don't need Ronald blaming himself or Eric doing whatever Eric would do.

[ William does notice the switch from Senior Slingby to simply Eric, but he only acknowledges it to himself with the briefest hum. It's nothing to scold Alan for, but it's odd for him, nonetheless. ]

Are you honestly volunteering to partner up with Sutcliffe?

[ That sounds like a terrible idea, at least in terms of who he'd have to spend time with. Though, the redhead would be able to protect him rather simply should any souls lash out again. ]

Grell would be able to watch my back and not get overly emotional if something did happen.

[ A concerned frown settles on his face as his brows furrow together. ]

If something did happen since we don't have a very accurate progression of symptoms I don't want Ronald to be out there with me and end up traumatized. And Eric - Maybe right now it will be okay while it's still just starting.

But as it gets worse -

[ He trailed off with a small shake of his head. ]

The less that they see and know of this the better for all of us. We don't need to be down more than just me if either of them find out they'll be at least a little emotionally compromised. There's no need for that now. I don't... I don't want the fuss. Not right now.

When - If it does have to come out, it would be best in a controlled environment after work hours. And on my own terms.

[ He's stubborn and even as he says this he knows it won't happen that way. He'll likely end up back in the infirmary or something and that is how it comes out. But for the moment he's pointedly ignoring that knowledge. ]

Very well, then.

[ William knows he's not one to lie, but if no one's aware of the situation to begin with, then there's no need to try and make up excuses for it. Things should be fine for the time being.

After a decent bout if silence, the next question out of Williams mouth may be a bit out if nowhere. ]

Will you be wanting to change the form of your scythe?

[ Alan paused at that question. His scythe was honestly more like the standard scythe he used as a trainee. He hadn't seen any point in filing forms for something over the top or customized if the first design worked. It was perfectly serviceable.

However -

After this perhaps something a bit different would be wise. Something that would give him space between the person he was reaping and himself. ]

I want something like yours perhaps not as advanced, though. While I like your scythe I feel the simpler the better - less moving parts and things for me to worry about maintaining. Perhaps just a blade on a longer pole?

[ William nods, pleased that Alan got the reasoning behind his question. ]

A bit absurd to have to take refuge away from a film reel. However, it was the main reason I decided on the form of mine.

[ A bit of PTSD from the event, too. ]

Who knows. Maybe in a few years they'll figure out something a bit less risky and you can switch to that.

[ There's a small inhale an a shaky exhale. He hates this. He's used to being in control and things were going so well in his life as a reaper. ]

When I have to go back to the infirmary for these check-ups they were talking about will you go with me? I can make sure to go before work hours or after so it doesn't interfere with anything.

[He just really doesn't want to do this alone and William is literally the only person alive that might understand what he feels right now even if it was only a slim sliver. ]

If you would like the support, then yes. It may be best for me to know just what you're state is, and such. I do not want to overwork you, if it will lead to any symptoms progressing faster than they normally would.

[ Maybe he can learn how to console people as a result, too! ]

Yes. I think I would like your support.

[He doesn't want to do this alone but he doesn't want to worry anyone. William already knows so it's not an additional burden and he needs to be kept aware of what was happening. That was a least how Alan was justifying what he felt was perhaps selfishly asking his boss to come with him to these things.]

That's a fair point, too. Are you sure that that's, okay? It won't be a bother?

Edited 2021-03-01 19:17 (UTC)

I am not so cruel as to make you handle this on your own. If you are unwilling to inform the others, then I will do my best to be there, should you need someone to speak with.

[ There's the usual adjustment to his frames as he thinks on this entire ordeal. ]

As you boss, and as a friend.

I would never think you were cruel, Sir. I wasn't attempting to imply any such thing, I assure you. I just don't think it would serve us any good for them to know. I would like that.

[His expression softens. Maybe he's just sentimental or maybe he's too emotional, too tired; too worn by the whole affair but he's taking his glasses off and rubbing at his eyes with his hand. His eyes are dry and scratchy, he has no tears left but that doesn't stop him from needing to wipe at his eyes.]

As my boss and my friend. I think that might be the nicest thing you'd said to me yet.

[ He'd been there for Alan's diagnosis, watched all those tears fall from him as the severity of his illness was spelt out by the doctor. For someone so unused to consoling, he'd felt, well, not so much awkward as out of place. If Alan had reached out to him for some form of hug or other physical comfort, William isn't sure he would have even known how to respond. The fact bothers him in a perplexing way, one he isn't certain he can decifer. For now, though no more tears are falling, William pulls a clean handkerchief from his inner pocket, offering it to his co-worker. ]

Perhaps I should have stated so a long time ago.

[He gave a breathless laugh, taking that square of fabric. He doesn't dab it at his eyes, instead Alan was using it to clean his glasses. Meticuously focused on the habit the almost ritual of making certain they were properly cleaned after his crying.]

Don't worry about that. You've said it now and I've gotten to hear it. That's all that matters.

[Finishing cleaning his lenses he slips them back in place neatly refolding that handkerchief that he offers back to his senior. There were so many things he hadn't said himself and now well - Was there a point? He didn't think so. It would only hurt people in the end.]

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