thedispatch | (no subject)

(no subject)

[ Graduating from the reaper academy was nothing to brag about. Sure you gained some skills and were granted permission to customize your glasses and scythe, but beyond that, all that was in the newly trained reapers' future was tedious, unavoidable work encased within long nights of depression and regret. Unlike mortal graduations that were followed by celebration, reapers were informed of how they came to be, what was expected of them, should they wish to redeem themselves, and then shown their personal cinematic records. Forced to relive the pain of their mortal lives. To say it's a traumatic experience is a vast understatement.

William stands alone in his newly assigned, permanent flat. It's barely furnished, with just the essentials, no life or personality to be seen. All that's playing through his mind is his record. A horrific thing to rewatch, certainly, but somehow it was made more painful by a fear that had been newly established. He's suddenly feeling sick from the thoughts and has to exit the apartment to collect himself. Glancing up, he sees a brief flicker of bright red at the end of the hall, and before he can stop himself he's following after it. ]

Grell Sutcliffe?

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At least you have a valid reasoning to your depression. I can't say I've ever been given one.

[ Feeling much worse off in his mood than he had earlier, William stands to at least change into some more comfortable clothing. He has a feeling he won't bother getting up tomorrow, even if it's his only day off this week. ]

If you were to be given the correct body and treated how you'd like, your mind would no doubt right itself.

[ Shamelessly, she watches. It isn't anything she hasn't seen before, after all. Might as well appreciate the opportunity. ]

Yet, you've been far more resilient than I. After all, my-- adaption was to devolve into madness.

Honestly, it's old habit. To avoid being treated with radical methods I learned to keep my mouth shut and simply nod when asked if I was feeling better that day.

[ She will have a decent show as he doesn't bother hiding anything away from her view. And once he's done, offers her a pajama set to wear herself should she care to join him. ]

[ She doesn't refuse it, but she must set them beside her on the bed, so that she may undress, first. It's a painful process - and once she's discarded her new red coat to the ground, she can't seem to keep her eyes off of it. ]

How did you go? How did you do it, kill yourself?

Considering the mindset of the patients they treated, one would think doors and windows would be latched. Perhaps they were hoping we'd jump and save them the trouble of having to come up with a cure.

[ Her line of sight on the jacket gets a jealous look to return to his face, but he catches himself quickly enough. ]

[ An understanding hum. ]

Do you remember what it was like? The fall, the pain?

[ With the removal of her clothing, she reveals terrible bruising, though presumably an improvement over her state when she'd arrived. A shower would be lovely, but she doesn't harbor the energy. ]

Wait a moment.

[ He stalls in answering her question, instead heading back into the bathroom to fetch something. A jar of moisturiser that Grell may recognise as one of her own from one of the nights she'd spent here long ago. It's probably past due and may not even be something that would do anything to help with bruising, but he's kept it which says something all it's own. ]

It felt freeing. Death was my shread of hope.

[ Cupping the jar dearly between her hands, Grell's eyes nearly sparkle. Judging by the packaging, it's at least forty years past due - and it's a face masque - but he's apparently kept it on her behalf. ]

And you are free to leave that life behind.

[ Setting that jar aside, she holds her hands out to him. ]

It's not so simple.

[ He notes that she didn't use the moisturizer but the look on her face shows she appreciated it wholly. He takes her hands, feeling slightly better despite his words. ]

Edited 2020-12-11 10:24 (UTC)

[ Pulling him closer, her strength lacks due to soreness, but she attempts to downplay the pain on her features. ]

What would it take?

[ He shakes his head. ]

Honestly, I don't know.

[ Closing her eyes, she sighs with some impatience. ]

Well, then, tell me, why did you save me? Explain it as though I'm truly simple.

That is the issue. I saved you because you're important to me. When I realised what had been happening with you I felt guilt and jealousy, and quite a bit of panic that I may lose you.

[ His breath shakes as he inhales deeply. ]

But even with you to give me moments of joy, there's constant depression.

[ Much like the first time he saw his record and asked Grell to stay with him, William approaches Grell, leaning in to rest against her. ]

Knowing that pain will never cease is terrifying.

[ Grell wraps her arms around him. She's grateful for the opportunity, as she can feel herself become misty-eyed all over again, hearing that William holds that affection for her. ]

I so wish I could provide you the relief you need...

Edited 2020-12-11 11:35 (UTC)

...As do I...

[ There's the slightest muffled sniff, as if he was trying to hold in the sound but couldn't any longer. If Grell's paying close enough attention, she may feel the shirt of her outfit getting damp. ]

Will...

[ For the briefest moment, Grell is simply dumbfounded on how to react. Having known him for more than a century, she's never witnessed him react to anything like this.

However, it is merely that - a moment - before her fingers dig up into his hair, nuzzling against his temple. ]

[ her nails against his scalp has always been a turn on for him, but in this moment it's astoundingly comforting. It actually has him relaxing against her, arms settling around her waist. ]

[ Petting through his hair, she quietly shushes him. Though she should be emotionally deplenished, this seems to open an entirely new vein for her.

Damn it all. She had explicitly asked him if he wished to part ways, she gave him his chance-- but she still feels a pang in her chest. It's a bizarre sensation, surely. Not once had she batted an eye over the women she murdered, and she gutted her lover before she would allow her weakness... but now, William cries in her arms, and she feels undone.

She felt less at war with herself when she stared down death for the first time. ]

I chose to jump from the cliffs of Beachy Head. The impact of the water crippled me, and the coldness of the water pierced my skin like knives. My lungs ached the most, smothered with water...

[ A shaky breath, as she scoffs at herself. ]

This is far more torturous...

[ William takes a deep, shaking breath. He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping to cut off the tears before finally pulling back. It doesn't help much, and he's quickly running the back of his hand under his eyes, half in an attempt to regain some compossure. They're red, as are his cheeks. ]

Honestly, I have no reason to act this way. Yourself, all our reaper brethren, you have all gone through torturous events which permanently scarred you. I have nothing to put blame on, completely selfish for expecting any pity from anyone.

[ He's never shown himself to be so vulnerable. Though he's always wondered how he held it back. ]

Edited 2020-12-13 00:20 (UTC)

[ Grell takes in the sight before her with some wonder - along with it, however, are equal parts distress and aggravation.

With care, she wipes her fingers across his wetted cheeks, before taking his face in her hands. ]

You must hear me; I don't pity you, I love you. Denying yourself truths like this is what keeps you suspended in this cycle. Accept your sadness, deny it power over you, and listen to those you trust, damn it...

[ Somehow those few sentences she speaks to him make more sense than anything he's heard from doctors or nurses. It's slow coming, but he finally nods. ]

I don't expect it will be easy, but I will try.

[ Shaking her head, she leans in to press her forehead to his. ]

You mustn't try; make it work for you, my love. Show me you want this.

[ His lips are rather red from the display of emotion but he presses them against Grell's, regardless. It's a far softer kiss than any he's given her before. But this kiss isn't about dominance or rough passion. It's a kiss of trust, love, and of sincere apology. ]

[ Perhaps unsurprisingly, he - with the natural flush of his lips and cheeks, the glisten in his eyes, lashes especially dark and damp - is incredibly attractive to her, in this moment. He's so vulnerable, and though it does make her hunger for him in a predatory sort of way, she's also moved by this rare moment, and the trust he has instilled in her to show it.

Slipping her arms over his shoulders, she returns his kiss. It may not be quite as soft, but it is lovingly passionate and lingering. ]

[ when they finally part, William attempts to right himself. Clearing his throat amd finding a handkerchief to fully clear his face of lingering dampness. ]

I apologize. It shouldnt have taken me this long to confide in you. I should have openned up more that first night together.