thedispatch | (no subject)

(no subject)

[ Graduating from the reaper academy was nothing to brag about. Sure you gained some skills and were granted permission to customize your glasses and scythe, but beyond that, all that was in the newly trained reapers' future was tedious, unavoidable work encased within long nights of depression and regret. Unlike mortal graduations that were followed by celebration, reapers were informed of how they came to be, what was expected of them, should they wish to redeem themselves, and then shown their personal cinematic records. Forced to relive the pain of their mortal lives. To say it's a traumatic experience is a vast understatement.

William stands alone in his newly assigned, permanent flat. It's barely furnished, with just the essentials, no life or personality to be seen. All that's playing through his mind is his record. A horrific thing to rewatch, certainly, but somehow it was made more painful by a fear that had been newly established. He's suddenly feeling sick from the thoughts and has to exit the apartment to collect himself. Glancing up, he sees a brief flicker of bright red at the end of the hall, and before he can stop himself he's following after it. ]

Grell Sutcliffe?

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[ With a knit of the brow, she gives a scoff of a laugh. ]

Now isn't the time to begin telling jokes.

[ His expression immediately returns to one she's more familiar with, though at least this time he refrains from smacking her upside the head. ]

I am not joking.

[ Grell wrinkles her nose a touch at him. ]

You ought to be. Can't you tell how ridiculous that sounds?

It is not ridiculous. I am being honest with you.

[ He gives an exasperated huff at not being taken seriously. ]

[ The disbelief still doesn't fade from her features. This is the sort of thing she has always wanted to hear, and now, she's refusing it. Is her mind playing tricks on her?

Perhaps you mean to be, but that--

[ Gesturing with her arm, she quickly regrets it! She's been healing quickly, but not quickly enough! Her teeth clench! ]

Your self-loathing cannot compare, however extraordinary it must be to drive you to such claims.

[ Sighing, William takes Grell's hand to lead her from the bathroom, back to his room. Better to attempt to explain how he feels in a more comfortable space. ]

This woman... [ He tries to recall her name from the file. ] Angelina? What was she to you? How did she make you feel?

[ His hand, encompassing hers, is an incredible comfort, only surpassed by being held in his arms. It does well to dismantly her annoyance. ]

I loved her. It was deeply indulgent, sinful-- and yet, we knew one another far more intimately than either of us ever could have anticipated. Much like best friends, sisters, rivals...

[ Shoulders drooping, her voice takes on an incredibly bitter note. ]

So I thought.

It seems she was able to connect with you on a much deeper level than I can.

[ He sounds sad about that, certainly. But he still takes a seat beside her on his bed. ]

[ As William joins her, he earns a glance. ]

Yes, well, she could share my sadness, in a sense. I'd previously thought it impossible to be understood. Now, I realise, no one had tried.

And you resent me for that.

[ He says it with such certainty, that even if Grell told him that wasn't the case, he wouldn't believe otherwise. ]

[ She frowns deeply at him. ]

No, and I'm quite certain that I never could. Rather, I still find myself deeply in love with you.

[ Though she's always voiced her affections for him, she's never outright said that much. Many likely find her incapable! ]

Is that what you want, though? Or do you feel as though you're trapped in that mindset with no means of escape?

[ There might be more meaning behind that question than there first seems. ]

Edited 2020-12-11 03:30 (UTC)

[ Grell blinks. ]

It's-- both, I suppose. You could very well end me, and I'd still wish for your embrace as I drew my last breath.

Quite the dramatic end for you. Unsurprisingly. However, if tonight is anything to speak of, I won't let you meet that end.

[ While he finds her devotion comforting, he'd almost hoped she'd say she felt trapped. At least it'd be relatable to the way he's felt his whole life. ]

You're the only shred of hope I have in this afterlife. And yet, I keep pushing you away. It's not doing either of us any good but I can't seem to stop.

[ Her features soften just the slightest, and after a quiet sigh of reluctance, she settles her head on his shoulder. ]

Why do you do it? You could do whatever you'd like to me, and so long as your heart is mine, I could make it work. You can't keep it just out of my reach.

It is yours.

[ Stated as if that should be obvious. ]

But as I said earlier, everything is extremely difficult for me.

[ The redhead looks up at him with hope in her eyes - but then, they dampen. ]

What is it, then? You'll just resolve to-- remaining as we were?

[ Briefly, she holds a hand to her head with exhaustion, frustration quickly rising once more. ]

I've had an incredibly exhausting day as it is, William.

[ He huffs at her, becoming frustrated as well. ]

You said she understood how you feel. But I don't know how to make you understand how I feel.

But I do, Will!

[ She moves to stand and face him, but immediately falls hard on her hip. With a growling sob, she smacks the ground! Stupid gravity! ]

Why do you think I bloody killed myself, in the first place! I'm stuck in a body I do not belong, and the world has alienated me for it, from the start! Preyed upon me for it! I was alone, terrified-- but even still, I was the greatest danger to myself.

[ She cuts herself off from that particular line of thought with a shake of her head. ]

Why do you think I could empathise with you so greatly?

[ Shaking his head at her toppling over, he leans down to hoist her up again. ]

Yes, all reapers have felt the same at some point. But are you not more comfortable in this life?

[ She can't resist grasping onto him. ]

No. I simply use it as a weapon.

[ A perplexed look comes across William's features. ]

You're still just as miserable now as you we're before?

Yes.

[ Her eyes scan his face. ]

Though, I have managed to find reprieve, in some ways.

[ Heaving a sigh, William looks to the side, his face losing all sense of its usual sterness. ]

Well now I feel a right fool.

[ A huff! ]

It's all you know. The only truth you were allowed to live.